How To Say "No" When Someone Asks If They Can "Pick Your Brain".

Firstly, when taken literally, that’s incredibly gross. 

It’s a common, overused phrase at best, and cannibalistic at worst. 

No one should be picking your brain. For free. 

Paid? Yes.

Free? No.

You are not a water fountain dishing out the elixir of life, free of charge.

Life as a freelancer or business owner is hard enough as it is. We’re all time poor, and some of us are barely scraping by.

So we don’t need to feel extra pressured by giving away our intellectual property to someone who likely won’t show up to your funeral. 

Savage, but true. 

For some reason, people still seem to think it’s appropriate to ask if they can pick your brain. Normally, they ask this so that they can obtain access to your expertise, knowledge or advice – free of charge. 

And I don’t know about you but I’m sick of feeling like we have to always provide “Access All Areas” passes to our brains.

First, let me clarify who I’m talking about. 

I’m not talking about your friends or family (although this could totally apply to them if they are taking advantage). 

Who I’m really taking aim at here are those folks that aren’t friends per se, but likely still someone who you are Facebook ‘friends’ with. 

They are the acquaintances that you’ve met through a friend of a friend, or via a work colleague, or at a networking event.

Someone who you exchange pleasantries with, but wouldn’t go out of your way to arrange a catch up with.

They are the types of people who slide into your DM’s and feign interest in your life, only to hit you like a sledgehammer with the phrase, “can I pick your brain?”

It’s at that moment you realise this conversation isn’t actually a bonding moment; it’s someone wanting something from you – but they don’t want to seem like a dick, so they cover it in glitter and love heart shaped emoji’s. 

Here’s how one message might go:

“Hi Kat,

OMG how are you babe? Long time no see, how’s the family? Love all of your recent holiday pics, how fun!

Sooooo, wondering if I can pick your brain about a business idea of mine – but it’s on the super downlow.

Are you free if I call you or catch up for a coffee this week? Love x”

I don’t know about you guys, but in the past I’ve felt pressured into meeting with people who have asked me this.

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Because I love it when people find the guts to strike out on their own. 

Believe it or not, I am actually a people person! 

HOWEVER, I’ve been on this earth long enough, (and have been suckered into this far too many times), to know the real truth:

They want something from you for free, that would normally cost them money. They want advice or ideas from you, the very advice and ideas that you would normally charge for. 

And you justify it to yourself as “they’re a friend of a friend, they might turn into a great client one day etcetera, etcetera, bullshit, bullshit”.

Sure, you might come off looking like a super helpful, generous person, but what you’re really doing is selling yourself short. 

I want to let you in on a secret you guys. 

It’s okay to say NO. 

It is perfectly reasonable to say no. 

In fact, you SHOULD say no. And here’s why.

You’ve honed your skills over years and you have every right to charge for your time and ideas!

You need to value yourself above anyone else.

So how do you turn this around so that you’re respecting yourself, but also offering to help? 

Try wording a response that will separate those who are seeking a freebie, to those who are serious and truly want professional advice. 

Here’s an example of how that might sound:

“Hey Karen,

Great to hear from you! The family are all well, I hope yours is too? Thanks for your message – sounds very intriguing indeed. You know I’m all about ditching the 9 to 5 and doing what sets your pants on fire! Did I say pants? I meant soul ha!

As my brain is quite popular, I introduced a service where you can book a one hour slot with me to chat through business/marketing/PR.

Prior to catching up, I’ll send you a briefing document (which asks you a few questions – all confidential). This way I can come prepared to dive right in when we meet.

Post meeting, you’ll receive an overview of what we discussed, plus a roadmap for next steps if you’d like to implement any recommendations or ideas.

My rate is attached, let me know if this works for you and we can find a suitable time.

Stay legendary and awesome. I know you will!

– Kat x”

I guarantee you that the person on the other end won’t think any less of you if they received a response like that. In fact, they are likely to respect you and take you seriously. 

And those that don't? 

Well, that’s on them, but it sends a strong signal that they are likely not that serious about their idea if they are not willing to invest in it. 

The aim of this exercise wasn’t to shame those asking to pick your brain.

In fact, most mean well, and are likely unaware that what they are asking of you is actually a hindrance to your own success.

And the real surprising fact? 

Not only does saying no to freebies make you seem like the boss you are, but most people will be happy to pay you for your expertise! 

So next time someone asks you if they can ‘pick your brain’, consider framing your response to suit YOU and your brilliant, creative headspace.

Set your own rules baby.